It is the fear of not being good enough. A fear that creeps up on Alex every single time she looks into Amy’s eyes. Right now, she definitely doesn’t qualify as good enough. Right now, she’s sick. Probably even dying. The last few days have been hard. There’s been unrestrained crying and denial. Unexplainable hoping and wishing. Dr. De Weerdt is flying in tomorrow. Alex begged him, in the middle of the night to pack up his stuff and fly to America. He did. Continue reading “AA-meetings – Chapter 20: Atelophobia”→
“You know I have a vault in the apartment, right?” Alex asks her wife.
Amy nods. It’s behind a painting in the living room. The Latina thought that was really badass. When Amy told her it was in fact nerdy, she begged her to never tell anyone, claiming it was her ‘nerdy little secret’. Amy smirked, because she had a few of those.
“I keep all of my important stuff in there. Bank accounts, my property certificates, our wedding license, contracts, …” Alex explains.
Amy’s still not up for this conversation. Just a few minutes ago, they were discussing a funeral. What flowers to pick, what color of coffin it should be, which songs they’ll play. She’s all upset about the subjects floating from mouth to mouth this evening. In fact: she’s nauseous. Continue reading “AA-meetings – Chapter 19: Acrophobia”→
Unlike before, Alex decides to pick up the pieces of her broken body and make the best of it. Her chemo treatments have temporarily stopped. All she has to do now is await the test results from her scans, X-rays and blood. It’s scary. It’s absolutely scary, but a diversion is the best thing that comes up in her mind to keep her occupied. She asked Amy to take a few days off. Of course, she did. The people at work have been very understanding when it comes to the illness of her wife. So has Rick Spencer. He’s crazy about his miracle model. This disease coming back nearly killed him. He cancelled all her appointments when she told him the truth and left with the promise that, whenever she needed something, she could call him. Among the people that picked up on her medical condition is the one called ‘the media’. In other words: then entire world. At first, Twitter, Facebook, news sites and television lost its collective shit over the news. But now, surprisingly, they lay low. It’s like they treat her with enough respect to go through it without dealing with too much media attention. She has participated in a few interviews over the last couple of months, mostly to raise awareness for her disease and to show the fans that even a Victoria’s Secret Angel can loose her wings. Apart from that, she stays away from the public eye as much as possible. Continue reading “AA-meetings – Chapter 18: Aby”→
Two agonizing weeks apart. It’s enough to drive the girls crazy. Twenty six they are now. Three years of perfect marriage bliss. Apart from the four lost years, they cherish a lifetime of memories.
It has surprised them both how great married life is. How it only makes things easier on so many levels. Except being apart. That seems to get harder as time passes.
It’s a different world to Alex right now. She stepped back from the constant traveling to roam every catwalk on this earth. Instead, she has started her own fashion brand. Photoshoots and campaigns still thrill her. They are the reason why the fashion industry and the modeling intrigues her so much, why she feels like an junkie when she hasn’t worked in a while. But luckily, she has the luxury to take on some extra projects. For now, it’s designing clothes. The best news is: people love it. Continue reading “AA-meetings – Chapter 16: Again”→
The second they left the catwalk event, hell broke loose. Alex never really confirmed her relationship with the lovely Amy that always followed her around. There were rumors and speculation – not to mention the countless pictures of them hanging out together – but Alex never sat down in front of the camera and confirmed them. Throwing her an engagement ring in the middle of a fashion show clearly did the trick. All the fans’ suspicious were suddenly true.
On the way to their car, three security men have to fight off interviewers and paparazzi. It’s crazy. It is suffocating. Amy holds onto Alex hand tight, like she’s afraid she’ll lose her in all the spectacle. These men scare her in a weird way. They get so close that it’s hard to see which direction to go. But Alex’s touch makes her feel safe. It guides her to the safe place of the SUV that’s waiting for them. Alex smiles proudly during those long, slow seconds it takes them to get there. Why wouldn’t she? She just go engaged!
Everything Leads to You by Nina Lacour is a wonderful read. Really, it is.
Our heroin is the girl we all were once: the young lesbian, Emi, in love with a girl that just isn’t worth it. Margaux is older than her and they’ve been dating for a while but the problem is: Margaux doesn’t love Emi. And yes, maybe she knows it, deep down. But the thing is: that doesn’t stop her heart from wanting, craving, begging young Emi for it to be different. Now, looking back at my younger self, I can honestly say that breaking up and getting back together 5 or 6 times (like Margaux and Emi) is in fact a reason to question the level of profound love. But as a young girl, desperately following your heart instead of your brain from time to time, it’s easy to assume that things will work out great. Continue reading “Everything Leads To You – Nina Lacour”→
There is only one feeling that absorbs her completely. It is pain. Utter pain of constantly throwing up and feeling like her body is under attack. Her muscles and gullet hurt from the constant vomiting. Her essence is gone, her determination is destroyed.
“Oh, God, make it stop,” Alex prays to the ceiling while backing away from the tray she just dirtied completely.
She’s exhausted and she hasn’t even left the bed in days. Her dad is standing nearby, helplessly observing her every move. The warm pajamas she’s wearing still aren’t enough to stop her from shaking like crazy. It’s fever. It’s always fever. Her fingers push back the hat that’s supposed to cover her bald head. Continue reading “AA-meetings – Chapter 13: Alternative Plan”→